Change, tears, and air

FOUO: ULN FYR90 - MAJ LEVESQUE   DELETED

This is the fourth time I have see this line.  Basically this means the deployment has been cancelled, AGAIN!  When I say cancelled, I do not mean permanantly, just this specific deployment.  He will still have to deploy, he just has to go pick a different job.  This one was to Iraq, I guess everyone is coming home from there.  I am really happy for all the families that will have their loved ones home by Christmas. 

So when I got the email that said it was cancelled, honestly, I got furious.  We have been assigned 4 deployment taskings.  If the first one would have stuck, he would almost be home.  Actually, he would be home next month.  But four times we have prepared and four times it has been changed.  When hubby came home, for some reason, I felt mad at him.  He was so happy, but all I could feel was anger.  I would like to blame it on PMS, but I think that had little to do with my feelings yesterday.  In his mind, if the deployment is delayed, even for just a few more months, that is a few months he gets to spend with us.  In my mind, I was thinking that this dark cloud of uncertainty will be with me for longer than I had planned.  I called my mom, hoping that my frustrations and anger would be validated by her, but they were not.  I got so upset with her too!  She feels the same way hubby feels.  This made me irate!   I felt like no one was understanding me, my feelings, my need for a plan.  Me, me, me...

So this morning, what do I do when I need to sort through my feelings?  I went running.  I allowed a pity party for the first half of my run.  I cried, I yelled, and I felt sorry for me.  When I got to the turnaround point, I changed my thoughts and started thinking of all the good things that could of this.  I could have my hubby for a while longer, I can avoid telling the girls daddy is leaving.  As my mom put it, we should all be prepared for our significant other to not be around the next day(this made me so mad last night!).  Live each day like you do not have tomorrow.  When I started to think positive, a heaviness lifted off my shoulders.

My problem is I am the ultimate planner.  I need to know what is going to happen, and when I can not control a situation, my life feels crazy and angry.  I am trying to work on this, but it is hard, a struggle everyday.  Hubby was supposed to find out today when and where he will be headed.  It could be next month, in 4 months, or in a year.  It is out of his hands and out of mine.  I am not okay with that, but I do not feel angry about it like I did last night.  I am going to enjoy him, our family, for today.    

Some days are good and some well...

I know that I should be thankful for so many things.  If the original deployment plan would have stuck, hubby would be leaving in a few short weeks.  Because of the change, I get him, we get him, for a few more months.  It just seems like time is flying by too fast and I honestly feel out of control.  I have done deployments before, not the 365 kind, but long enough.  The girls were much younger, and I do not remember feeling like this.  It is a scary feeling. 

This weekend I am in a race in which you have to depend on 3 other people to complete a bike leg, a run leg, and a rafting leg.  Depending on people is something I am not good at.  I am terrible at.  I would rather do the entire thing myself.  I think this is preparing my for when I am alone.  I will have to learn to depend on people, a very frightening thought. 

Some days I can go all day without thinking about what the next couple of months has in store--just live in the moment.  Days like today, I wake up with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart because I know that I can not stop time and my daughters' little hearts are about to be hurting. 

*Not my little girl

Eating and running

Ever do something you know you should not do, and while you are doing it, you are telling yourself "STOP!!" but you continue?  I am sure we have all be there.  I am there ALOT!  Nothing bad, most of the time it has to do with eating (or don't eat) the day before I know I will be doing a long run.  Let's get something straight first, I am not a scientific runner.  You know, a smart runner.  One who plots what they should eat, the right amount of calories, protein, and sugars to get the most out of a run.  I just run.  Sometimes I will run faster if I think I ate too much junk the day before.  Yes, I am that type of runner. 

My husband is totally into eating right, especially getting enough protein.  I think for the last 10 years he has been trying to get me to take in more protein.  It hasn't worked yet.  I know in my head, if I ate right, I could be so much better at running.  I could go fast, or longer, or both.  I might even lose a couple of pounds too. 

 *This is what I felt like when I ran with out water

 So the other day, I ate like crap!  I did not have breakfast (I never do, I know that is so bad), I think I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and buttered pasta noodles for dinner.  That is not the bad part.  The bad part is I had no water and 2 glasses of wine.  I woke up the next morning with a headache and no energy to run.  Even with my Red Bull I struggled through 3 miles.  After that run, I vowed I would at least think before I eat.  I took the next day off, and made an effort to eat right and drink plenty of water.  What do you know, I had a great run!  I had energy, I wanted to go run, and I did not feel like crap after I ran.  I did not eat super healthy,  I just made sure that I ate enough and drank enough. 

I do not want to be a technical runner.  I do not want to be so consumed with what I should be eating that the process becomes work.  My goal is not to finish first in any race, it is just to be happy and stress free.  However, I know realize I am not 20 anymore and can not just eat crap and expect to run. 

Competition

I will not lie, I love competition. I love the feeling you get right before the race, right before a deadline, anything that puts me up against someone else or a clock. In my younger years, I would do whatever it took to win. I can remember challenging my sisters-- Whether it was push-ups, hanging from a bar, or even holding our breath, it was a competition. If my sister would do 30 push-ups, I would do 31. As I have aged, I still crave the competition, but I have realized that sometimes the race is won with a little humility and grace. I know when it is best to let someone else have the spotlight(sometimes this is super hard) and when I should take it and run.

I have realized that all women want to win, we are all competitive. We all feel the same butterflies, the same nervous feeling, but why do we not embrace this feeling and share it? Why do we compete against each other instead of competing with each other? Yes there is a difference, and it is one that is felt, rarely seen. You know, who is the fittest, who is the skinniest, who has the best outfit. We have all been there. We see a pretty lady walk in a room and immediately start comparing her with ourselves. I wish I was as skinny as her, I wish I had her great hair, I want her....

I see this in the fitness community. She runs 6 miles, so tomorrow I will run 7. She lifts 35 pounds, so I will lift 40. I am trying to not be that girl. I am trying to be the girl that is happy for my fellow female. I recently ran with a friend one morning. She is training for her first half marathon and needed to run 5 miles and asked if I wanted to run with her. I agreed, but on the morning of the run, I was regretting it. I knew I was faster, I knew I should go farther, I thought I was better. I didn't want to meet her, but kept my word. The first half of the run, my mind was everywhere it should not be. Once we started the last two miles, I looked at her and I could see she was already so proud of herself. She had never ran that far before. The last quarter of a mile, she kicked it up a notch and sprinted in. At that moment I felt like crap, why did I waste this run thinking of what I could be doing? I should have realized what I did. What she did. I realized that even if I would have out ran her, she still would have beat me. I lost that competition, she won. She did something for herself, not for anyone else. The race wasn't against me or the clock, it was against herself, and she won. I wish I could be more like her :)