Change, tears, and air

FOUO: ULN FYR90 - MAJ LEVESQUE   DELETED

This is the fourth time I have see this line.  Basically this means the deployment has been cancelled, AGAIN!  When I say cancelled, I do not mean permanantly, just this specific deployment.  He will still have to deploy, he just has to go pick a different job.  This one was to Iraq, I guess everyone is coming home from there.  I am really happy for all the families that will have their loved ones home by Christmas. 

So when I got the email that said it was cancelled, honestly, I got furious.  We have been assigned 4 deployment taskings.  If the first one would have stuck, he would almost be home.  Actually, he would be home next month.  But four times we have prepared and four times it has been changed.  When hubby came home, for some reason, I felt mad at him.  He was so happy, but all I could feel was anger.  I would like to blame it on PMS, but I think that had little to do with my feelings yesterday.  In his mind, if the deployment is delayed, even for just a few more months, that is a few months he gets to spend with us.  In my mind, I was thinking that this dark cloud of uncertainty will be with me for longer than I had planned.  I called my mom, hoping that my frustrations and anger would be validated by her, but they were not.  I got so upset with her too!  She feels the same way hubby feels.  This made me irate!   I felt like no one was understanding me, my feelings, my need for a plan.  Me, me, me...

So this morning, what do I do when I need to sort through my feelings?  I went running.  I allowed a pity party for the first half of my run.  I cried, I yelled, and I felt sorry for me.  When I got to the turnaround point, I changed my thoughts and started thinking of all the good things that could of this.  I could have my hubby for a while longer, I can avoid telling the girls daddy is leaving.  As my mom put it, we should all be prepared for our significant other to not be around the next day(this made me so mad last night!).  Live each day like you do not have tomorrow.  When I started to think positive, a heaviness lifted off my shoulders.

My problem is I am the ultimate planner.  I need to know what is going to happen, and when I can not control a situation, my life feels crazy and angry.  I am trying to work on this, but it is hard, a struggle everyday.  Hubby was supposed to find out today when and where he will be headed.  It could be next month, in 4 months, or in a year.  It is out of his hands and out of mine.  I am not okay with that, but I do not feel angry about it like I did last night.  I am going to enjoy him, our family, for today.    

It begins..

Ever have one of those moments where something happens, it may be where someone does something, or someone says something, and you feel like you have a voice? It may be a small voice, a loud one, or even a whisper, but it is there. This happened to me.

I started this blog about a year ago when we found out that Andre would be deploying for a year. The first couple of weeks I found myself in a dark place. I wanted to appear strong for him so that there would be no worries when he left. All of my feelings about the deployment were getting bottled up and pushed down. I did not want my husband to worry if I could handle it, I did not want my kids to see me so sad, and I did not want anyone else see me as weak. So I thought I would start a blog and chronicle my journey, our journey, through this weird, sad, awful time. It never happened.

It has been a year since we were notified he would be leaving. We have about 3 months until he leaves. My year of blogging has almost slipped away. Honestly, I felt I had so much to say, but when I would sit down to write, the words could not and would not come, just tears. Lots of tears. I will save that for later, I just want to start this tonight, declare it, own it, and now live it.

This blog will not just be about my sad pity party, but it will also be about what I do to overcome my sadness. Running, really just pushing my body to the point I did not think I could take it. And I would like to set rules for myself.

1. I will not go back and read what I wrote until Andre comes home.
2. I will be honest with myself and my readers.
3. I will let my voice out.

Pretty simple stuff.

Amanda at Runninghood is responsible for my new found voice. Please visit her blog, she is an inspiration! I will fill you in on what she did for me to realize I am being heard.