Change, tears, and air

FOUO: ULN FYR90 - MAJ LEVESQUE   DELETED

This is the fourth time I have see this line.  Basically this means the deployment has been cancelled, AGAIN!  When I say cancelled, I do not mean permanantly, just this specific deployment.  He will still have to deploy, he just has to go pick a different job.  This one was to Iraq, I guess everyone is coming home from there.  I am really happy for all the families that will have their loved ones home by Christmas. 

So when I got the email that said it was cancelled, honestly, I got furious.  We have been assigned 4 deployment taskings.  If the first one would have stuck, he would almost be home.  Actually, he would be home next month.  But four times we have prepared and four times it has been changed.  When hubby came home, for some reason, I felt mad at him.  He was so happy, but all I could feel was anger.  I would like to blame it on PMS, but I think that had little to do with my feelings yesterday.  In his mind, if the deployment is delayed, even for just a few more months, that is a few months he gets to spend with us.  In my mind, I was thinking that this dark cloud of uncertainty will be with me for longer than I had planned.  I called my mom, hoping that my frustrations and anger would be validated by her, but they were not.  I got so upset with her too!  She feels the same way hubby feels.  This made me irate!   I felt like no one was understanding me, my feelings, my need for a plan.  Me, me, me...

So this morning, what do I do when I need to sort through my feelings?  I went running.  I allowed a pity party for the first half of my run.  I cried, I yelled, and I felt sorry for me.  When I got to the turnaround point, I changed my thoughts and started thinking of all the good things that could of this.  I could have my hubby for a while longer, I can avoid telling the girls daddy is leaving.  As my mom put it, we should all be prepared for our significant other to not be around the next day(this made me so mad last night!).  Live each day like you do not have tomorrow.  When I started to think positive, a heaviness lifted off my shoulders.

My problem is I am the ultimate planner.  I need to know what is going to happen, and when I can not control a situation, my life feels crazy and angry.  I am trying to work on this, but it is hard, a struggle everyday.  Hubby was supposed to find out today when and where he will be headed.  It could be next month, in 4 months, or in a year.  It is out of his hands and out of mine.  I am not okay with that, but I do not feel angry about it like I did last night.  I am going to enjoy him, our family, for today.    

Some days are good and some well...

I know that I should be thankful for so many things.  If the original deployment plan would have stuck, hubby would be leaving in a few short weeks.  Because of the change, I get him, we get him, for a few more months.  It just seems like time is flying by too fast and I honestly feel out of control.  I have done deployments before, not the 365 kind, but long enough.  The girls were much younger, and I do not remember feeling like this.  It is a scary feeling. 

This weekend I am in a race in which you have to depend on 3 other people to complete a bike leg, a run leg, and a rafting leg.  Depending on people is something I am not good at.  I am terrible at.  I would rather do the entire thing myself.  I think this is preparing my for when I am alone.  I will have to learn to depend on people, a very frightening thought. 

Some days I can go all day without thinking about what the next couple of months has in store--just live in the moment.  Days like today, I wake up with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart because I know that I can not stop time and my daughters' little hearts are about to be hurting. 

*Not my little girl

Eating and running

Ever do something you know you should not do, and while you are doing it, you are telling yourself "STOP!!" but you continue?  I am sure we have all be there.  I am there ALOT!  Nothing bad, most of the time it has to do with eating (or don't eat) the day before I know I will be doing a long run.  Let's get something straight first, I am not a scientific runner.  You know, a smart runner.  One who plots what they should eat, the right amount of calories, protein, and sugars to get the most out of a run.  I just run.  Sometimes I will run faster if I think I ate too much junk the day before.  Yes, I am that type of runner. 

My husband is totally into eating right, especially getting enough protein.  I think for the last 10 years he has been trying to get me to take in more protein.  It hasn't worked yet.  I know in my head, if I ate right, I could be so much better at running.  I could go fast, or longer, or both.  I might even lose a couple of pounds too. 

 *This is what I felt like when I ran with out water

 So the other day, I ate like crap!  I did not have breakfast (I never do, I know that is so bad), I think I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and buttered pasta noodles for dinner.  That is not the bad part.  The bad part is I had no water and 2 glasses of wine.  I woke up the next morning with a headache and no energy to run.  Even with my Red Bull I struggled through 3 miles.  After that run, I vowed I would at least think before I eat.  I took the next day off, and made an effort to eat right and drink plenty of water.  What do you know, I had a great run!  I had energy, I wanted to go run, and I did not feel like crap after I ran.  I did not eat super healthy,  I just made sure that I ate enough and drank enough. 

I do not want to be a technical runner.  I do not want to be so consumed with what I should be eating that the process becomes work.  My goal is not to finish first in any race, it is just to be happy and stress free.  However, I know realize I am not 20 anymore and can not just eat crap and expect to run. 

Competition

I will not lie, I love competition. I love the feeling you get right before the race, right before a deadline, anything that puts me up against someone else or a clock. In my younger years, I would do whatever it took to win. I can remember challenging my sisters-- Whether it was push-ups, hanging from a bar, or even holding our breath, it was a competition. If my sister would do 30 push-ups, I would do 31. As I have aged, I still crave the competition, but I have realized that sometimes the race is won with a little humility and grace. I know when it is best to let someone else have the spotlight(sometimes this is super hard) and when I should take it and run.

I have realized that all women want to win, we are all competitive. We all feel the same butterflies, the same nervous feeling, but why do we not embrace this feeling and share it? Why do we compete against each other instead of competing with each other? Yes there is a difference, and it is one that is felt, rarely seen. You know, who is the fittest, who is the skinniest, who has the best outfit. We have all been there. We see a pretty lady walk in a room and immediately start comparing her with ourselves. I wish I was as skinny as her, I wish I had her great hair, I want her....

I see this in the fitness community. She runs 6 miles, so tomorrow I will run 7. She lifts 35 pounds, so I will lift 40. I am trying to not be that girl. I am trying to be the girl that is happy for my fellow female. I recently ran with a friend one morning. She is training for her first half marathon and needed to run 5 miles and asked if I wanted to run with her. I agreed, but on the morning of the run, I was regretting it. I knew I was faster, I knew I should go farther, I thought I was better. I didn't want to meet her, but kept my word. The first half of the run, my mind was everywhere it should not be. Once we started the last two miles, I looked at her and I could see she was already so proud of herself. She had never ran that far before. The last quarter of a mile, she kicked it up a notch and sprinted in. At that moment I felt like crap, why did I waste this run thinking of what I could be doing? I should have realized what I did. What she did. I realized that even if I would have out ran her, she still would have beat me. I lost that competition, she won. She did something for herself, not for anyone else. The race wasn't against me or the clock, it was against herself, and she won. I wish I could be more like her :)

Simple little words

As I do every day, I sat down at my computer after my run to catch up on what I could have missed in the 2 hours I last checked the computer (almost always nothing). I logged into Facebook and saw this post. I was sitting at the desk and there was the kids' pastels and paper. How hard could this be? So I went to work on my drawing, from my favorite post from SUAR. Took a picture and sent it in to Runninghood. This is what I came up with:



I emailed the picture and in like 5 minutes, Runninghood emailed asking me if I have a blog. Umm, no. Can you tell me a little about yourself? She asked. This is what I wrote to her.

I am a military spouse and mother to two girls, 10 and 6. I am not a fast runner, but I run. We have lived everywhere from Germany to Hawaii to Arizona. Right now we are in San Antonio.
Like I said, I am not fast, but I run and I do it for me. Most of the time, I use running to talk through all my emotions. Like right now, running is helping me cope with the fact my husband will be deploying to Iraq for a year. I like to stay strong for my kids, so the trails and streets are the ones that absorb my tears and anger.
I also use running to set an example for my girls. I work hard, set goals, and let my determination and strength pay off. Last year I ran my first marathon with my sister--our kids were able to watch us finish. The entire time, in my mind, all I could think about was my little ones hugging me at the end.
I really do admire every mom who has decided to run, it really is inspiring and powerful!

Her response is what made me speak, write, hear my own voice. These simple little words are what did it.

So great to read this! Wish you had a blog...sounds like you have something to give with your words/story.

Yes, I do have a voice. I may be the only one who hears it, but I know I am not the only one that has spoke these words--either in the darkest moments or in front of a crowd. Some of us go to a therapist, some of us have a best friend or a journal to confide in. I have the road and the trails and now this blog.

It begins..

Ever have one of those moments where something happens, it may be where someone does something, or someone says something, and you feel like you have a voice? It may be a small voice, a loud one, or even a whisper, but it is there. This happened to me.

I started this blog about a year ago when we found out that Andre would be deploying for a year. The first couple of weeks I found myself in a dark place. I wanted to appear strong for him so that there would be no worries when he left. All of my feelings about the deployment were getting bottled up and pushed down. I did not want my husband to worry if I could handle it, I did not want my kids to see me so sad, and I did not want anyone else see me as weak. So I thought I would start a blog and chronicle my journey, our journey, through this weird, sad, awful time. It never happened.

It has been a year since we were notified he would be leaving. We have about 3 months until he leaves. My year of blogging has almost slipped away. Honestly, I felt I had so much to say, but when I would sit down to write, the words could not and would not come, just tears. Lots of tears. I will save that for later, I just want to start this tonight, declare it, own it, and now live it.

This blog will not just be about my sad pity party, but it will also be about what I do to overcome my sadness. Running, really just pushing my body to the point I did not think I could take it. And I would like to set rules for myself.

1. I will not go back and read what I wrote until Andre comes home.
2. I will be honest with myself and my readers.
3. I will let my voice out.

Pretty simple stuff.

Amanda at Runninghood is responsible for my new found voice. Please visit her blog, she is an inspiration! I will fill you in on what she did for me to realize I am being heard.